Day 10
I'm still counting days. I'm still controlling....
Again, I mention Jason Vale who said not drinking was so great because you don't have to control the drinking anymore if you just don't drink.
Well, I don't know about anyone else but I think I have just transferred my control efforts. Instead of trying to moderate and feeling awful when I can't, I am still "controlling" my drinking everyday by not drinking.
It's as if I am competing with myself. I haven't acknowledged forever. In fact, I'm still at that point where I think someday I can try it again. I just have put a long term goal (weight loss) in place to keep me from trying that.
I still feel, that when I make that goal, I can "allow" myself to try a glass of wine again. I just can't do it now. I don't know, maybe this is an okay approach for now. I fear it sets me up for failure but I don't know how else to tackle it.
Funny, that feeling that it's okay to drink. I can never have a sip unless I'm positive that none of my "reasons for not drinking" will occur....that's probably not realistic that one of those 22 won't crop up.
I'm just going to be in the moment for now, I guess. I am competing with my own thoughts. I can't drink because I have put this down in writing. It's even more of a failure to me if I give up now that I have recorded all the voices in my head. I don't want to admit to anyone reading this blog that I have not been able to remain alcohol free - so I guess blogging is good, has kept me not drinking.
I guess I just go with whatever works and as long as I'm not drinking that's good, hmm? I will try and focus on other things in my life to get away from this strange preoccupation.
For right now though, I'm still counting days. Each day further along this road is an accomplishment to celebrate.
HD
Good post. A few thoughts:
ReplyDelete- I was in your mindspace several times and each time I went right back to non moderate drinking eventually. Now when I envision having just one drink again, I absolutely know that I will begin the tracking thing again. I'll start by saying I won't drink for the next 5 days and only drink on weekends. But those 5 days will be really painful. Harder than just not drinking at all. Then I'll find some excuse to make it every 4 days instead, then 3 days and so on until I'm right back where I started or worse. I have seen people moderate successfully. But it is extraordinarily rare. Don't want to burst your thinking here but there are legions of women who have tried this and it hasn't worked. Even us highly disciplined folks who really care about our health over everything haven't been able to moderate.
- It's ok if you don't make it and decide to drink. You will not be a failure even if you wrote the opposite on your blog. This is a process, a journey, and we are here to support you no matter what.
- Most people become obsessed with the soberverse for a really long time. That's part of recovery. It's when we move away from that in our lives that relapse becomes a danger. So when someone tells you to distract yourself with something else (like my husband did), know that they don't understand that this is where you need to be for as long as you need it.
Thank you. I appreciate all your thoughts and insight. I know they are all true! Good reminders!!
DeleteWhat is more exhausting? Drinking and all that goes with it OR becoming sober? I think they BOTH are! BUT, there is no long term reward in drinking....just short term..and that means only the first glass or two! After that...no reward (unless you consider the hangover, self loathing, etc. a reward!) Becoming sober gives both short term and long term rewards!!! A better and healthier you! And one day we won't be so exhausted from thinking about "not drinking!" xo
ReplyDeleteYes, I know you are right. I look forward to not being soo exhausted with all these thoughts of "not drinking"! Thank you for your support!
ReplyDeleteSoberMummy did a great post called Relapse Stories (look under her 'popular posts'.) So many people told their stories. I dont think one of them went back to being a moderate drinker. I read it everytime that boozy bitch inside me trys to tell me i will be okay drinking again. It's early days HD xxx.
ReplyDeleteYes, good points. I will keep referring back to that one!
Delete10 days is awesome and to someone with 3 days, a huge achievement. As for the thought of for now vs forever, I would say go with for now. Everyone is different but for me I know forever is the goal and I am so far gone from moderation it would be impossible for me to even think I could moderate. It's like the old diet conundrum, the people who lose weight and are successful develop a lifestyle not just follow a diet. Take it a day at a time for now, such a cliche but so true. May your day 11 Rock!
ReplyDeleteThe diet analogy is very good, very true!
DeleteI would love to be able to casually enjoy a glass of wine or two every so often, so I understand what you're saying. But stopping, then thinking I can moderate, and having that casual glass of wine has - for me - re-ignited the bottle a day habit eventually.
ReplyDeleteAs far as weight loss goes, I can't lose it unless I'm not drinking. I lost 20 pounds over 4 months of not drinking so that is definitely an achievable goal - but I've put every single one of those pounds back on (and more) since I started again.
Don't worry about forever now, if the goal of weight loss keeps you on track until you're not thinking about not drinking that's a good start for now.
Oh you give me hope with the weight loss thing!! I had lost 2 lbs when I did the 14 days in March and then before I knew was 9 lbs heavier, my heaviest when I started again this time.
DeleteDo whatever works, we need some level of control or otherwise we can't change. I think blogging definitely helps with accountability and you have some goals which is great! I hope my blog will help when I feel wobbly. I can't think about forever, but I don't want a time frame at all. I just keep saying to myself that I don't drink anymore.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think my feeling is "I just don't want to drink right now." I have the weight loss goal but I just don't want to be that person I was anymore. Has made things easier this time. I don't think I felt that solid about it before.
Delete