My Lists

Saturday, August 27, 2016

I had to know!!!

Warning:  Do not read if you are struggling with sobriety.  Only read if you are glad you are sober and in a good place.  Please.

After my post yesterday of viewing through different lenses, I have to admit, I really wanted to try wine again.  Not from a craving perspective really, more from a really strong curiosity.  Would it feel different after 125 days of not drinking any alcohol?

I'm not sure I ever want to try moderating again, I'm not sure I could.  I think the idea that I can drink every evening to relax will not be in my future.  Nor does it need to be.  I just wanted to see what it was like and then get on with my sobriety until I have really worked on more things in my life.  I still have weight to lose and other things to fix.

But...I'm so frustrated with the "letting myself down" feeling that I had, about how I drank previous, that I wanted to experiment to see how I would do.  I needed to feel accomplished in this area for some reason to continue to move forward.  I don't want to need to drink any more......ever again!

I never want to meet another hangover, meet my self-loathing self in the middle of the night, meet my fatter self, nor meet myself with a redder face!  I never want my child to ask me again..."mommy, you were funny last night...were you okay?"  NEVER!!

I've been a little annoyed at hubby who beelines for the bar the minute he gets home from work.  Even though he manages himself okay, I had a bit of attitude about it last night.  This is important because my evening arose from my trying to control him, not because I had a particular craving.

I told him that if he had a drink then I was going to need to have one as well.  That it was too hard for me to watch him run for the bar every evening.  (Not really, but it got my point across.) He said he would just have a Diet Coke.  So then, of course, I said "Honey, I have successfully gone 125 days as of today without a drop and it hasn't been that hard....why do you think I can't have a glass?"  After some "ahem"-ing he said "Okay, let's have a glass then.  If you want to just drink socially maybe you can".  See the dynamic here?  We were calling each other out!  I smiled, smugly, as he went to open the wine.

I decided to have two glasses of white wine last night to see how I would do.  White being the hardest for me to resist.  (I know, it's like I was in masochist mood...)

But.....What a letdown!  I took my first sip - blek, disgusting...it tasted horrible!!!  I think I have gotten used to the alcohol free sweet wine.  It tasted as if I was drinking gasoline....not that I have....but I speculate...

My hubby and I sat outside and enjoyed the sunset with thunder clouds rolling in.  I forced down more sips.  We chatted and admittedly I didn't feel much different.  I really wasn't sure how I could stomach getting the full glass down because of the bitter taste.  It took me about an hour.

What jumped out at me was we had the same easy going type of conversation we had been having over the last 100 or so days.  No different.  Alcohol wasn't bringing me anything special.

However, I noticed that after the hour I had a pleasant flush.  My hands, which ache constantly, didn't hurt as bad.  I felt really happy and content.  But then, I've been feeling pretty happy and content the last few days anyway.

I started on my second glass.  Hubby went to pick up food and I started jotting down my reactions so that I could blog about it today.

I switched to milk with dinner but I had begun to sense the danger zone, how easy it would be to have more.  My "off" switch was in danger of turning off, no matter what my resolve/thoughts.  I even had a thought that if hubby poured another, maybe I would.  He opened a Diet Coke.  (He knew I was watching him.) I never poured another.

While I was sipping, I had a great conversation with hubby about all the personal introspection I've been doing and what I want to do further with me and my life.  I don't want to use wine any more as a maintenance medication as I was before.  I'm not even sure it really should play a role in evening relaxing for me.  I just don't want to be afraid to have a glass if out with friends or having a glass at a wedding.

So there I was....with a pleasant flush.  The wine really tasted pretty much like shit but I could feel it's effect.  I now understand how I overlooked the taste of my $5 wine.

And you know what?  I got the beginnings of a headache.  Who needs this??  My sleep was fine but my mouth had an icky metallic taste in it this morning.  I am thirsty today, for water.

The wine isn't fixing anything, folks, it's just numbing.  We don't need this on a day to day basis.  Hats off to those who have chosen sobriety 100%.  I'm not sure I'm there yet but, strangely enough, I am actually closer after last night than before.  I recognize that I have to control the whole drinking process, so closely, or I can see how I would lose control.  It is so much easier to not even have to try.

I feel cleansed.  I even worked out this morning before I published this.  I'll say that again, I worked out!!  Wow, first time in many, many weeks.  Feel soo good.  It's like I needed last night as a kick start to moving forward.  I needed having a night of trying it.

I don't recommend my approach necessarily.  The circumstances of the evening sort of aligned to let it happen for me but it easily could have gone the wrong way, I know that.

Reading other blogs has hit home how hard it would be to stop if I really started again.  To those who posted about their struggles, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I really have tried to learn from those words. I don't want to go down that path and I really think you have saved me from it.

If you are still struggling, please don't try what I did.  I think how this process goes totally depends upon our mood, our physiology at the time of trying.  I've been saved by those who have gone before....that's the only reason I didn't go off into the abyss last night.

I needed to dip my toe in this ocean but that's what it is! An ocean that at times can seem benign and relaxing and at other times can whip up waves and, frankly, can kill you.

Strangely, I feel cleansed.  I'm going to continue with no drinking as a rule.  I'm struggling with how to count this....in one sense I feel like I'm just on Day 125 again.  But then, I worry that takes away from those who have done straight time.  Yet, by counting all over I would present differently than someone at a first time Day 13.  Hmm....best I just count to myself I guess.

Mrs. Mac commented about strengthening sober muscle.  That's what I feel like I did last night....and I may have just ordered my new lenses to try on!!

Not sure my husband is going to order new lenses but that's okay.  Trying to control him was wrong.  He knows he shouldn't drink as much but he needs to work through this on his own time, his own way. As long as he isn't affecting me I need to back off.  (Reinforcing this to myself by writing.)

Never underestimate your power to change yourself
Never overestimate your power to change others
Wayne W. Dyer


HD


16 comments:

  1. Hi HD! Watch out, over the next few weeks, for the Wine Witch. She'll try to tell you that you've done it before so you can do it again. She'll say 'you didn't really like it last time, so you're not in any danger. You're cured!' Don't listen. She lies. Xxx

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    1. I hear you, for sure. For the first time now though, I am really thinking I don't want alcohol as a part of my life! No cravings last night. Went right back to my ginger and hubby finished up Chardonnay. I know it is a drug and that I am defenseless if I let it get back into me. Thank you again for your support. You were the reason I got here!

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  2. I gasped when I saw the title. I was thinking oh no, why, why why? But then again, I was looking at it through my filter not yours. As I have told you before if I did try for one night I would want to go big or go home. For me that would be a very dangerous game of chicken. I hope it does answer your desire to know. Have you been on MaryKays moderation chat? Maybe that will be a good resource if you continue to wonder about occasional drinking (is that what moderation is?) I hope you continue to blog whatever you decide. Lastly please don't take anything I say as judging, I just have a hard time separating that other people have a different experience than me.

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  3. I would never presume judgment from you, Ginger. You have been so supportive of me, so sharing. Your view IS important me...I have learned a lot. It's funny...right now I have zero desire to moderate. Just trying it showed me how that isn't possible on a nightly basis. It isn't worth it. Right now I also don't see the good in drinking. All my associations with it, even with vacations, have turned a 180. I am grateful for that. I just can't go back to that life ever again! I will blog about any cravings...I won't think I can handle it but hopefully won't succumb to any!

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  4. Dear HD,
    I am so glad you worked out! I know that exercise and diet are something you are working on! I am working on moving everyday, too. I tend to just sit and that's not good for me.
    I am glad you are going to be aware of the cravings and will continue to blog about them.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. I will definitely blog. It has kept me accountable so far!!

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  5. That's great you did a workout! Keep up the motivation. I agree with SM. Be careful of the wine witch. She may well reappear now that you have had a taste. Hopefully it won't be an issue, but stay strong. A x

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    1. I'm hoping that evil witch is dead. I know I will have some cravings but Friday night showed me that I would have to exercise such control to not end up where I was that it just isn't worth it.

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  6. I agree with SM and Angie, be very careful. I may have done the same as you over a week ago. I may have had more since. The rules are all back and I have to overthink it otherwise I'll be back where I started. I'm not sure which direction I'm heading in. I may be making a mistake.

    As for counting I think if you only drink once then you keep counting from where you were at. If it's more than once it's starting over.

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    1. Yes, I sort of changed my description of it. I now say I completely switched my lifestyle 125+ days ago. My trying it showed me that I really don't want it, don't need it. I've been fine without any since Friday night. Oh sure, I want it, but sort of more like I'd really like to eat the whole damn chocolate bar and not a few squares every day.

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  7. Thank you for such an honest post HD. I know for sure I could not do what you have done, I am straight back on it whilst trying for moderation! I'm so pleased for you that you worked out! I hope you keep posting your journey, I value your blog and your support of me. Xxx

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  8. Wow! I wish I could do that...but I know myself too well! I often smell my husbands wine and know that if I take even a sip that it would start all over for me. I would have a false sense of security that I could moderate. I so wish I didn't want it anymore!!! Happy you got it out of your system! You are way stronger than I am!!! xo

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    1. You know what really has helped? Everytime I have a craving, not only do I "play it forward" but I really associate negative thoughts. So at the same time I am thinking "oh a glass of wine would be lovely", I also let myself feel the self-loathing after too much, the tiredness from not sleeping, see the puffy face I no longer have, feel fat etc. I think that has really helped me. If I want a donut, I feel how bloated I might get, how much weight I'll gain...as a result I never opt for donuts. That's how I want this to be....just not opting for wine anymore.

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  9. Am catching up after being MIA for a month. Your description of that first sip matches exactly what I thought when I drank after 18 days. I had to force it down.
    Honest post and I'm so glad it didn't derail you completely. X

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    1. Thanks for your support! Me too. It was a necessary blip I needed to do.

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