Well, last night, there went that wine bottle. After feeling so good about myself from the evening before, I'm not even sure why I said to hubby, "can you please open the white for me?" If it hadn't been in the house, I know I would have had him make a run for some.
(I can certainly make him more of a policeman but I don't feel that role is healthy. I feel strongly that I need to own my own relationship with wine. And...If he changes his own habits I want it to be because he wants to and not because I nag him.)
He was drinking his red, I initially had a diet coke. I felt like a pressure cooker. I didn't really even want wine last night but all the "you shouldn't" "you can't" "you don't want it" voices in my head got too loud. I just wanted to silence everything. I hate being told I can't do something, even if it's me telling myself! So I had the wine. It felt like rebellion more than a need. I wasn't even very stressed. I had gotten a lot done work-wise and I was feeling better financially after working through some accounts.
I didn't get drunk, I made dinner, I remember everything, I went to bed. But I didn't stop at a glass or two....had to drink the whole damn thing over the evening. Then, of course, I was awake, hardly slept and was just thoroughly annoyed at myself. Drank water on and off all night long.
I'm not going to stop counting. Heck, if I get through a long period of time and mess up very occasionally, I'm okay with that. Every time I drink is a reminder of what I don't want as a daily part of my life. In the not too distant past I couldn't possibly fathom going 12 days without any alcohol.
I'm just going to keep a tally on the right side of my counting to show any nights I had wine out of the total. So today is Day 14 and I drank once in two weeks. 14:1 This will help keep me accountable.
It's funny, I thought I would hate sharing this but I'm pretty happy. No self-loathing, just irritation at the continued realization that if I drink I won't stop until the bottle is gone. This is why I am here blogging, because I, like most everyone else perusing these blogs, can't drink "normally" - darn it - whatever normal is.
Happy Weekend everyone!