I had a good day yesterday, back to enjoying my mocktails.
I had been reading my posts from year ago when I quit drinking. It's funny, for some reason on Friday I didn't read my last year's Day 13. I clearly went down the same path only last year I avoided the crush of the wine voice. Ahhh, If I had only read that post before Friday night! Well, hindsight they say is......
This time around feels a lot different.
I felt like I was drinking too much. I was getting fat, unhealthy. I needed to prove to myself I could quit. It was a game. Once I got to 125 days I was ready to go back to normal drinking. I knew I would be able to handle it after resetting my internal drinking self. I was done with my game. I hadn't lost the weight but that was okay, so I started exercising and working on that aspect of my life as a way to balance things out. I worked on other issues I had so that I wouldn't want to drink. I probably wouldn't even want it anymore. Oh, I had heard all about the potential for relapse but that wasn't going to be me. I would still drink but never back to the levels of my old self.
What I found:
Okay, with a little control I kept myself from going embarrassingly drunky-drunk over the next 8+ months. But only by the skin of my teeth. I still found I was drinking too much to be healthy, wasn't productive and still wasn't fully present in my life. I fixed a lot of things and became so much more settled with my life so I couldn't understand why I still felt compelled to drink a whole bottle. Sure, I have some stresses in my life but nothing big, nothing unmanageable. I'm not anxious, not depressed....but I am bored. I suppose that can be just as dangerous. Time to work on that.
It feels different. There is still the pull to "just have some" of course but it feels like such a negative thought. It's not a game anymore. I like myself better sober. I'm really trying to figure out the "boredom" thing.
What drinking does for me is let me dream. The stress of not being exactly where I want to be in life is swept away by dreaming about where I could be someday. The fanciful thoughts come rolling in, relaxing me.
I am happy with my man and happy being a mom. I love both of those relationships. I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my ex until I met this guy. So all good there.
I just need to find my purpose. I'm bored. Time to not drink away the boredom.
Last year not drinking was a challenge. This year it's more of a choice. I may have some backslides but it's a whole different feeling. Last year I didn't let myself slip and then when I did, I didn't acknowledge it as that. This year, every time I drink, it will be a slip. There is no more calling it drinking normally. I don't want to drink, so if I do, it's a completely negative process.
I suppose this change of mindset is called forward progress.