My Lists

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

White-Out

In the midst of research.....what do I know?  (Just an update for me and for anyone who is reading and wondering how this crazy approach to not drinking is going.....)

1) I like myself a lot better when I don't drink any alcohol.
2) I still feel too weak to think about forever
3) My main goal for starting to blog just over a year ago was to change my dangerous habit.  I have, quite a bit, but as long as I drink there is risk.  I realize this.
4) Am I willing to keep that risk in my life?  Not sure
5) Do I think alcohol is really good in any way?  No, not really.  It's just a bad thing that is hard to resist.  (Glad I never smoked as I think that habit would be incredibly tough to kick!)

I had family in town and went 4 days not drinking.  Hubby didn't either.  Then we both had red wine Monday night and last night.  Monday night we drank too much.  No incidence per se... I think we each had a bottle over the course of about 4 hours, but still too much.

Last night the evening seemed dreary.  I felt he needed to unload some feelings a bit.  I suggested wine.  We drank a bottle and 1/4 of red.  He had more, I had two glasses.  But it opened him up.  We had a great discussion.  I learned things about him I didn't know.

This is my quandary.  I enjoy evenings like that.  I have to say both evenings were at my instigation.  He was going without but then lept at my suggestions to have wine.  We enable each other, clearly.  We have been drinking buddies.  This is new territory.  We are figuring it out.

We are also in therapy. I should say I am in therapy and he is participating as needed.  He is very willing and we have some communication issues to work through.  We both know this but love each other tons.  Giving myself some room to not be perfect is okay with me right now in both the relationship and with quitting drinking.  As long as I see improvement, subtly, in both areas, I'm good.

For now my only rule is no white wine at the house.  If I go out to dinner sometime I might have one glass.  That's easy because I don't want to drive with more.  If I absolutely cave at home, it will be red.  Yuck.  Don't really like it but I can stomach it.  Keeps me from drinking too much I guess.  Hope I don't start liking it! I don't drink hard alcohol nor even beer because, for me, the AF beer tastes fine and I don't like liquor.

So that's all I'm doing right now, living in my white-out world.  I like my new means of counting so am still keeping track.  I think I need to to keep that external accountability in place.  Something to refer to.  So today it's:

7:2 (1)

7 days since I started tracking, 2 days I drank of that and today is a day 1 since I drank last night.

I'm sorry I'm not 100% sober like many of the rest of you.  I think the folks who blog the most are successful but there may be many readers like me, who aren't exactly where they want to be.  For those of you, it's okay.  As long as we are all making more forward progress than reverse, I think that is acceptable.  I want to be one of those folks who are over 100 days but maybe not quite badly enough yet. It's still a goal however.  So great to read the blogs from those people, so inspiring!  

Happy hump day.....Wednesday here.

HD

15 comments:

  1. I'm exactly where you are at with my mind-set on this journey. Today, I posted on Putting Down The Drink's blog the same sort of sentiments (in a much shorter version). I relate to your path/journey tremendously. Keep the faith you are heading in the direction you want to be in. I do. Thank you for your post today, as it made me feel positive, and that's a great feeling.

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    1. Thanks Lia, we all really are so much alike in this fight aren't we?

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  2. Hi HD...One of the things I missed most about drinking was the "intimate" conversations with my husband. He missed them as well. It took awhile, but we are back at that point....with me not drinking (he is a normie). And I'll tell you, it's just as good! Maybe even better because I remember everything that was said!!! xo

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    1. I do aspire to that someday. That's promising to hear that you can deal with it not drinking even if he still does!

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  3. dont be sorry, just be you.
    I have found the intimate and involved conversations with my husband have become much better with sobriety. We are both sober, and we both go to therapy, just not together.
    As a result we are both much more open to discussing feelings, drinking, AA, almost anything.

    I never expected this. My husband was your typical jock. No feeling talks. Very tough.

    I like him this way much better. After being together over 20 years we are finally great friends, not just drinking buddies.

    You never know.

    Hugs
    Anne

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    1. Hmmm....I guess you never know but I don't see him giving it up. We'll see...

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    2. It's a hard road if you are sober and your spouse drinks. Perhaps he will join you in abstaining for a while?

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  4. I think it is so valuable to write about the process of dealing with the relationship with alcohol. It's great that you are doing that. I spent probably the last five months I was drinking trying to moderate/control my drinking, and it was only by doing that, and by taking notes of how I felt when I was doing that (not on a blog but in a notebook that still gives me the shivers when I open it) that I realised that I needed to try to stop completely. That was my experience, anyway.

    I would concur with Anne's comment - that my connection with my husband is now the truest and deepest it has ever been, because I am the most honest and open that I have ever been.

    Best wishes to you! keep writing! Prim xx

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    1. Thanks, Prim, appreciate the thoughts.

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  5. We all have such a different stories and paths and even goals. Some us us write to be a part of something, some write for clarity, some for support. Whatever your reason, I always love seeing your posts. x

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    1. Thanks! You are right we all have different stories to share and I always take something from every post I read!

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  6. I agree with Anne-just be you. This is YOUR journey and you have to find the path that works for YOU. I understand what you're saying about the intimate talks-somehow having a little alcohol used to seem to help. Now I don't have or use that method and at times it seems kind of weird. Almost like I'm hyper aware that I'm playing some kind of role. Hard to explain-but I trudge on and step in and it works. It's a process. And while things sometimes seem harder without any kind of "lubricant", I've never once thought afterwards that things might have gone better with wine!
    Again, everything evolves in time if we let it and desire it.
    Xxxx

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    1. I know things would never go better with wine, it's getting this ingrained in me that is taking time. I hope to get there!

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  7. I agree with you..not one of our stories are exactly alike.
    You can only write your story.
    I know I used to love those talks with Mr. UT with wine, but now, I love them just as much. It is different, but I love to walk and talk with him.
    He opens up a lot when we are in the car traveling, or walking together.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. I remember someone telling me "walk with your teenager" because they talk then. I agree it also works with husbands, car rides too!

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